Bizarre Beliefs #2 – This is part of a series where I voice some of my “avant-garde” wellbeing opinions, just with more panache if you like so.
I matter.
I matter to me.
I matter to someone.
Do I?
Am I sure?
No, I am not.
So do I not matter?
Do I need to matter to someone else to matter enough for myself?
Or is this a “matter” of compromise?
Ah yes, of course. Society has programmed us, especially us men, that nothing comes without compromise. Everything is an exchange, a transaction, a value given for a value received. Even in your most cherished friendships and private relationships you are always supposed to weigh the pros and cons of every given interaction, connection, versus your own energy required.
So you cannot truly matter for someone else without providing something to them. Right?
I do not know why or how it happened, but I cannot rid myself of the feeling that we are in a state where people do not want to just be there for others without these value oriented exchanges. Our social health capacity does almost exclusively depend on other people, but somehow at this weird time where we engage less and less with our neighbours, our colleagues, or even our friends (if we have any), we have put extra rules and “regulations” on it.
Value. Everything apparently depends on the value of what someone has to offer for you. Look, I chased that a lot in the past - trying to build coaching and mentoring businesses etc.. Now, I just want to share my silly Zen-Wellbeing ideas with you. If you are even remotely interested in more of this, please consider subscribing:
I might be, and likely am, living in an extra isolated space here in New Zealand. One of the lowest population densities in any country. Rather large distances between towns and cities, at least in relation to the amount of people living in those areas.
So I am not surprised that I do not feel like I matter professionally, or intellectually to many people here. Yet, I think that we might have a social health crisis not only because we lack friends and relationships per se, but because those new rules and regulations are making us way more picky. Yes, I think I have done that myself too. Thus, more often than we want to, we do not truly matter to anyone, because we chose that no one besides ourselves matters to us. Random acts of kindness are a driver of our social health capacity (1) – yet, I would assume here (and I would love seeing data on it) that they are diminishing in overall/average frequency.
But this is not about this amazing little tool you can use to boost your social health, but about how we apparently always need to give something to even be thought about – thus helping others with their social health. (Here I am narrating this exact problem from my own egocentric perspective though).
Yet, I feel like it is more, or has become more, of a question of minimising ourselves to fit within criteria of someone else. An individual, a group, team or organisation; or even worse, just an association with a certain prejudice.
Man.
Scientist.
Highly-educated.
International.
German.
Polish.
Immigrant?
“Streuner”-Blond/average height.
Writer - lol.
At least for me, each of these bring a set of expectations that other people across all of my life, as well as the wider society, have towards me.
What about my expectations for just being a human? For having been thought of?
I want to matter.
Is this bad? Arrogant? Patriarchy driven? Male-dominant? Egocentric? Ignorant? I just do not know. I have never learned or been introduced to any of these mindsets or ideas specifically, yet I believe that me wanting to matter is too much.
Too much of what? I would not even know where to start.
Does it not sound wrong though? Is it not something the imagination of the (maybe non-existent) group-think makes us believe that we cannot ask too much for ourselves?
It does for me. Crazy.
I want to matter.
Not in some giga-level, ultra-leader style, politician/ceo-type of power or influence (even though it is impossible for me to hide that such responsibility for people is enticing for me).
If I did matter to someone else, who would I want this person, this human to be?
I just want to matter to the people who matter to me the most. (See, how even this is a compromise already?).
No, not like in loving type of mattering. I just want to be on their mind every then and now, without a reason.
Without a compromise.
Without an exchange.
Without a transaction.
Have you ever experienced the above? Or maybe, like me, you had a realisation that you are on the other side of the equation? I would like to know! Please share in the comments - I guarantee to take up the conversation:
I heard someone say that their spouse puts extra effort in to make them be active together with them (they have had an early diagnosis of diabetes and are quite freaked out about it; which I think is actually a decent attitude to have towards your own physical health). Therefore, their partner goes the extra mile to think about how they can incentive them to do more activity together. How? Like, “let’s go to the beach for a picnic”, but then when they get there, they are like “oh, let’s go for a walk before we eat” – cue spending about 1 hour of walking, running, splashing each other and doing silly things just to be active.
This spouse matters a lot to them, to think of this ahead of time. Or maybe they are just an improvisational genius.
I think when you read this, you will think that his is at least “cute”. I think though that there will be a jelly, soft, humane, and totally rational part of you that would want that too.
I found myself in the past doing this for my partner a lot. I could be very much living in my own head with this, and I am OK with it, but to me that is what a private/romantic relationship is build on – my love language (2) is giving aka “acts of service” and “quality time” (if you are not familiar with it, please go check out the reference, especially the book by Gary Chapman).
I still do of course, but I had a dumb realisation that I would like more of that for myself.
I do not know what exactly, because it is not about one thing. Just being included in various thought processes, plans and ideas (or even dreams!) more often would be more than enough I think.
There is supposed to be a link, connection or interesting aspect from Zen Buddhism here somewhere – I am sure at some point in the future there will be, for me at least. I admit though that I am not an experienced practitioner enough myself, to be able to share that with you today.
Albeit, one aspect immediately comes to my mind:
Actions of others are not actions of our own.
While it does apply nicely, in the way that there is no particular way we can truly influence other people to do, act or just even think of what we would like them to, I believe (and that is all I got at this stage) that there is likely something more to it. Probably something in connection to letting go of the idea of the “self”; something of accepting things the way they are; flowing with the river of life; something about the oneness of all living beings; and likely more. I just do not know it, have it, and definitely is my practice not advanced enough. Not in practical terms, nor in mental ways.
I am sorry. But rest assured, whenever I got a touch of it, a connection, a perception, or even just a thought about it, you will read about it.
Truthfully, I have no conclusion, take home message or lesson/task to give you here. I wish I did, of course. This is the Bizarre Beliefs series after all. I will underline this piece of my personal expression of how I see my own social health right now, and by extension an apparent attribute of the social crisis we are experiencing, with this:
Think about someone today.
If you made all the way down here, I would like to share (because this one reads to me like a self-therapy session for myself):
Well, this one has been on my mind since two weeks ago, I think. I had an argument with my dear wife about something that mattered a lot to me, but where she did not really consider me in that equation (of getting our hay sorted for the season). Of course, like with most disagreements and conflicts, I have had my own contribution to this – I did not really communicate how much it mattered for me to be more involved (in the hay stuff – yes, really). Thus, as the emotional ocean goes, I snapped at her, like a lot. Not good, and totally my fault. If you ever read this: My dear lovely, I am truly sorry.
Here is the thing though: the method, the process, everything was wrong – but it did not make the content of what I was trying to communicate any less intense or untrue, at least for me. All I wanted is for her to say something like “Hey Marcin, I would like to be involved in this, and I care for what you think we should do with the hay.”. And now, I feel like I have done everything wrong expecting that. Because you know, expectations are bad yadda yadda. Yet, after thinking for myself, processing and talking it through with her, and then now, finally writing this, I think I had a point. I did everything wrong about it, and there is no excuse for it. Yet, maybe if we normalised showing that someone matters to us more often, expressing ourselves might come easier.
References
Feel free to checkout references for all my articles in this document.